Lighting Suicides Continue
Why do good people do the worst thing?
By Julius Grafton
(I published this in 2013, and it resonated with a lot of readers).
Veteran Australian lighting guy Scotty Duhig, otherwise
known as Scotty Dot from when he toured with Paul Kelly and the Dots, took his
life late in 2013.
The statistical suicide rate for men aged between 55 and 64
in Australia is 19 deaths per 100,000 men. As a percentage this is a number almost
too low to measure.
But the suicide rate for men who have worked as professional
road crew in the golden era of Australian rock (mid 70’s to end of the 1980’s)
is a staggering 5%, according to Ian ‘piggy’ Peel from the Australian Road Crew
Association.
Of the 22 known deaths by suicide, out of 80 deaths across
420 crew, most were lighting guys. So why are they predisposed to suicide?
When news of Scotty’s untimely death broke, an outpouring on
the Australian Road Crew Association Facebook led to dozens of former crew
posting their private mobile numbers online. ‘Call any hour’, was a common
message to anyone feeling what some describe as ‘the darkness’.
The question of why this is happening is possibly as simple
as what Ian ‘piggy’ Peel from the Australian Road Crew Association describes as
adjustment disorder. “He lived the dream, struggled through and he got back and
nothing much happened”.
Piggy has spoken up on the issue many times, and
characterizes the career of a roadie from the 1970’s or 1980’s as a circus that
ends suddenly by the roadside. “The crew sit on the curb, looking for a ride
home, while the band move on”.
With Scotty Dot there were stories of depression, working in
the mines, a girl in West Australia and then Scotty ‘went to the shed’, and
came out in a body bag.
SUICIDE
A counsellor close to this topic told CX that most people
telegraph their intentions in some way in the earlier stages.
But most people don’t know how to interpret the signals,
which can include depression, negativity and more ominously people start to
give their things away.
A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely
depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to commit suicide.
“People also don’t know how to react if they suspect someone
is suicidal”, the counsellor (who prefers not to be identified) said.
“If someone is overt about the idea of suicide, it should be
talked through at the time. Most people who commit suicide don't want to die -
they just want to stop hurting.”
Yet not every suicide comes with warning signs, although
most do.
LIVES WRECKED
Thirty years ago promising young lighting guy Jeffrey
Merryweather was working with Misex. He killed himself in a fit of drug induced
despair over a girlfriend who had just appeared with a staple through her
stomach as a naked Penthouse Pet.
Jeffrey’s little sister Lisa was 14 years old when he hung
himself. Today she is divorced with three sons and works as an office manager.
She lives in Tewantin in Queensland.
They were obviously close. “He did the lights for my 10th
birthday party, with a smoke machine too. I felt very special. He doted on me,
he used to call me Periwinkle. Then he left home at 16 to work with Phil
Cullen.”
“Not a day goes by where I do not think of Jeff – ever. I’m
f**ked”, she told CX. “Every man I have known has betrayed me in some way and
it started with Jeffrey”.
“It’s so bad. It’s such a waste. It destroys everybody
that's left behind. I’m destroyed from it. My parents never talk about it. It broke my family apart, my mum and dad
split a few months after. They lied to me about how Jeffrey died. They said he
had a heart attack. But found the death certificate.”
“Mum and dad were trying to get him away from (the girl). They
pleaded with him to come overseas with us. He refused. Then we tried to get him
to come to Fingal Bay for a while but he refused that too.”
“I’ve never had counselling. I’m too scared”.
PUTRID HOLE
Dolly was a singer who worked the rock biz and knows its
dark corners. These days she works for the Government in Sydney. Four years ago
she moved in with Derek, knowing he suffered Bipolar disorder and thinking her
positive influence in his life would make things work.
“I cannot imagine living the two hemispheres of Bi polar
disorder from periods of manic to the darkness of depression”, Dolly told CX. “In
manic I saw the untouchable confidence, the fantastic highs, irrational
behavior, anger, violence, hyperactivity and in Derek’s case it was all rolled
up with alcohol abuse. Then came the depression - the crash was like hitting
concrete. A spiral down to a dark hole and into a pit of putrid darkness that I
could not even imagine.”
Over the period of a year, the alcohol took a greater hold
and the medications prescribed to Derek were cut in half, taken every other day
or not at all.
“The person you adore changes in front of your eyes”, says
Dolly. “He was drinking at least a six pack of beer, bottle of red wine and
straight scotch whiskey to complete the self medication. Every night. With this
came a fear in the pit of my stomach that I could not articulate. I think you
have to live it to understand.”
“There were nights where I would say something completely
innocent in the middle of a conversation and he was gone. Literally. Something
I did or did not say triggered the response that would take him back down that
hole. His eyes would glaze over, he would physically push me away, sometimes
shove me to the ground and become completely unreachable. He would then put the
ear pieces of his ipod in, pour another scotch and shut me out completely.”
“It was on one of these nights that I left him downstairs
and went to bed. Hoping as I did every night that he would drink one last
scotch and pass out. I didn’t sleep much these days.”
“I got up the next morning and looked at him sleeping on the
couch in the living room and found to my relief that he had indeed passed out.
Upon nearing the couch my relief turned to disbelief and horror. Sitting on the
coffee table was a thick piece of rope about 10ft long and a plastic bag. I
could only draw one conclusion and it was unimaginable.”
“I shook him awake in tears, my anger starting to overtake
the fear. “What is this”? I asked fumbling through my tears. The answer was
cutting. “I felt like I had no other option last night”.
Dolly did not call the police, the doctor or a psychiatrist.
“I did not know that I could. Over the next few days I tried
to get him to go back to the doctor. I suggested a mental health plan where we
would surround him with the right people, like psychologist, psychiatrist, try
yoga, Pilates, meditation, get him back on medication. But nothing changed.”
“I became hyper vigilant. I slept with one eye open for two
years. I was exhausted. Helplessness is watching someone you love suffer right
in front of you and there is f**k all you can do about it. All the love in the
world will only go so far. Watching them disintegrate into a monster takes its
toll on you too. You live your life in unpredictability and fear. This does not
happen overnight. You wake up one morning and discover that the person you were
is now a pathetic excuse for the strong, happy, resilient and balanced person
you used to be. It eats at you slowly, insidiously, and the pain and heartbreak
become normal.”
“Eventually I found the strength to run. It was in the
middle of the night and it took every ounce of courage I had to go. The guilt
was immeasurable but the instinct to survive was stronger. I was leaving behind
a potential suicide but I could do no more. I made the decision that I will go
no further into that putrid dark hole.”
Several years on, Dolly feels she has confronted and dealt
with her disaster.
AT THE STREET
George* is close to CX and toured with some of the guys
who’s suicides inspired this story. His ex wife Amanda had all the signs, and
despite people around knowing the problem, the attempt on her life was made.
This is his story, freshly told since it happened in 2013.
“I was at my new home a year after splitting with her. We had
sorted everything except our co-owned house, where she stayed on. Amanda had a
failed relationship after me; and he dicked her around financially and
emotionally. It was in the end of winter and it was cold in that house.”
“She was in an impossible place – financially rorted by him;
and then strung out by his exit and his protracted lazy departure where we
would come and take a few things, and leave open the next appointment. So his
stuff was lingering while she was hitting the bottle and crying all night.”
Work became hard, she wasn’t eating and lost weight. The
kids (aged 12 and 16) were worried. George got a text message at 2am one
weekday saying she needed him to drive across town and take the kids to school
that morning. He dashed over and roused her, she’d taken six Valium and a raft
of pain killers on top of a lot of booze.
“I spoke to a counsellor who had experience with suicide”,
he told CX. “I followed his advice – I confronted her and asked whether she
intended to take her life. She said no. I asked her to promise me she would not
do it again. She promised.”
Three nights later she texted and seemed irrational. It was
school holidays and she was home alone with the kids. George suggested they all
go boating in a few days and un-usually she agreed. He was delighted he’d found
some hope for her and that she had something to look forward to.
But several hours later she sent the goodbye text to George
and her ex husband John who had the kids with him. It was clearly a suicide
note. They all raced to the house after calling emergency services, to find six
coppers and an ambulance in attendance with gawping neighbours. The Police had
kicked in the door, the dogs were going off, but they held the family at the
street for an agonising twenty minutes before wheeling a semi conscious Amanda
out to the ambulance.
Her frantic parents followed the ambulance to the hospital
leaving George, her other ex husband John and his kids – George’s step kids –
to collect their sanity while inspecting the house for clues about what she had
done. “I fell to the kitchen floor in tears”, George said. “I’d been the strong
guy right through everything with her, and the kids had never seen me cry, let
alone wailing on the floor.”
At the hospital they admitted her, and next day she was
ringing George and John, demanding someone come and check her out. She hadn’t
yet been assessed by a psychiatrist and when he did the rounds, he scheduled
her. Later they let her call George and it was a very unhappy sedated Amanda on
the line.
“You’ve caused me to be locked up. This is like a jail”, she
said of the mental unit at the public hospital. “They won’t talk to me. The bed
is hard. No one will tell me anything. You have to get me out. If you don’t
I’ll never talk to you again.”
Two days later she was released into the care of her parents
and promptly moved back home alone, against all advice. The kids spent two
weeks away with their Nanna and cousins, but were not referred to a child
psychologist. The damage to them is unknown. George had to withdraw totally
from the situation, and John bore the weight of her calls and despair.
Amanda sailed close to the edge for weeks, drinking and
sending hundreds of text messages through the night.
It took many worrying weeks until the darkness had passed,
yet those close will now always worry. Suicide and its attempts gravely hurts
the living.
“It is the ultimate selfish act”, says George. “Everyone
around the person has their lives affected.”
*Names changed to protect Amanda’s privacy as she rebuilds
her life. Derek’s name changed, no one knows what happened to him.
RESOURCES:
Lifeline 13 11 14
